Satanic Verses

I don't eat more than one thing for lunch

2010-05-27T15:42:00.000-07:00

I caught sight of her at a boring college party and to entertain myself I gave her the trouble of a forced conversation with me. She was polite enough to have a formal conversation, her disinterest was not very apparent, she later told me, after we became friends that she was annoyed with me and my uninhibited approach for a conversation. I apologised for my behaviour but blamed her for not making her resentment very obvious. “why did you pretend to be interested”? I asked.

“my wish” she replied. baat khatm.

I now agree with the fact that a man’s face is his autobiography, a woman’s face is her work of fiction.

Our interactions were restricted only within the college campus and I learnt that she’d be leaving the city very soon as her course was getting over in few weeks. “how about having lunch together?” I asked. ‘a goodbye lunch”? yes? no? maybe?

“sure, lets go” she replied. And the next line she uttered made me regret my proposal.

“I have heard that Chintal’s is a fabulous place, lets go there”

My heart sank. I didn’t expect her to be so ambitious with her choice of place. Chintal’s is one of the most costliest eating joints in the city and her choice of place made me check my wallet, it said 800 bucks, a debit card with no money in it, my driving license, which would be of no use in Chintal's and a few visiting cards, absolutely going to be of no help at Chintal's and some of my passport size photographs, which would be surely of no use at Chintal's and are sometimes a cause for embarrassment whenever my wallet falls down and someone sees them.This was a classic case of KLPD, I thought. But I was flattered and I was too polite to have learned to say no to a woman.

“done then, you wait under my hostel while I get ready, just 5 minutes” she said and went upstairs. After waiting for a long time I checked my watch and realised that 5 minutes got over before 20 minutes. She showed up finally and after looking at her I saw no reason what made her take that much time. She got into the car,unapologetic about making me wait, and started abusing the city. “the weather here is so fucked up, people here have no civic sense,they are so cheap, in delhi its better and in delhi its bla bla bla bla bla bla”…this rant against hyderabad was not new to me, I just kept listening(as if I had an option). I asked her, ‘how long does it take you to get ready in the afternoon”?

“3 days” she replied and burst into a sardonic laughter, I joined her.(option?) Women are meant to be heard, not to be understood, I thought and drove ahead.

Finally, with 800 bucks and a lot of courage and regrets I reached Chintal’s.

We were seated and the waiter brought the menu. I was startled to see the menu for the prices were a great deal higher than I had anticipated.

The unpredictable girl that she is, she suddenly said “I am not hungry, its just half past 12. and I usually never eat anything for lunch” logically this sudden change of behaviour should have pissed me off but for obvious reasons her mood swing gave me immense amount of comfort. mann mein laddoo phutaa.

“oh, don’t say that!” I answered generously.

“I never eat more than one thing. I think people eat far too much nowadays” she said. . My joy new no bounds. mann mein doosra laddoo phutaa.

I requested her to have something, “ok, if you insist, maybe a minced lamb pizza” she said to the waiter.

“how many slices should I cut the pizza into?’ asked the waiter.

“You better cut the pizza in four pieces, because I'm not hungry enough to eat six.” She said.

? ! ? ! ? ! ? ! humour? I wondered!

The waiter asked her if she would have something while it was being cooked. “No” she answered. “I never eat more than one thing. Unless you have chicken wings. I never mind chicken wings.”

My heart sank again,I knew I could not afford chicken wings considering the fact that we would definitely order some drinks later, but I could not very well tell her that. I told the waiter by all means to bring chicken wings. For myself I chose the cheapest dish on the menu and that was a mutton chop. The waiter left, leaving me calculating the bill already.

“I think you’re unwise to eat meat” she said. “I don’t know how you can expect to work after having heavy things like chops. I don’t believe in overloading my stomach” with clenched teeth I replied “yea yea yea, that’s so wise of you’

Then came the question of drink.

“I never drink anything for lunch” she said.

"Neither do I,” I answered promptly.

‘except some wine,” she proceeded as though I had not spoken. “these wines are so light, they’re wonderful for the digestion”.

My heart was now drowning and few rural north indian abuses were crossing my mind.

Hospitable still, but not exactly effusive I ordered for a glass of wine.

‘what are you going to drink then” she asked.

“water” I replied. ‘I don’t drink.

“you lead such a sad life” she said.

WTF? I thought and before I could recriminate the waiter arrived with food.

She ate the pizza and she ate the chicken wings. She talked gaily about college, her love for martial arts, her love for Mumbai, Delhi and her hatred for Hyderabad. "yahaan ke log saale sab chutiye hain” she said with irrelevant disgust. I could not comprehend whether i was included in those chutiya’s or not as I was wondering what the bill would come to.

I said, hoping her to get the sarcasm, “you seem to be loving the food, though you don’t eat more than one thing for lunch”

I got a Bernard Shaw for a reply. She replied, “there is no love sincerer than the love of food.” And winked.

I could only force a smile.

“I don’t think I’ll attend the farewell party this Sunday in college” I said and expected her to convince me to attend it. I was wrong. Totally.

“they have not baked the base of the pizza properly, hyderabad mein kuch bhi toh dhangg ka nahi hai, khaana bhi chutiyaape ka hai" is all I got for a reply.

“Haan, tum kuch keh rahe they, oh yes, the farewell party, why don’t you come”?

I began to reply, ‘I don’t like…and was abruptly cut off by this

“waise chicken wings itne burey nahi hai, why don’t you have some’

I refused straightaway in disgust. I was not being heard, rather than conversing she was too busy judging the food and thinking of new ways and abuses to insult Hyderabad..

I began to eat my chop, she screamed her opinion again, “I see that you’re in habit of having a heavy lunch. I’m sure it’s a mistake. Why don’t you follow my example and eat just one thing? I’m sure you’d feel ever so much better for it”

“I AM only going to eat one thing” I said as the waiter came again with the menu, I wanted to stab him. She waved him aside with an airy gesture.

“No, no, I never eat anything for lunch, just a bite, I never want more than that, and I eat that more as an excuse for conversation than anything else”

Just a bite? Conversation? These two things were absolutely lacking during the lunch.

She began again, “I don’t want to eat anything more but leaving Hyderabad without having biryani would be a crime, hai na?”

This was the most unkindest cut of all. The room started to spin infront of me. When I almost resuscitated, I checked my wallet again, under the table.

“madame wants to have biryani, do you serve mutton biryani?” I asked the waiter hoping against all odds that he’d say no but the great man that he was, a happy smile spread over his broad, priest like face,and he assured me that they specialize in the hyderabadi mutton biryani.

“I’m not in the least hungry,” she sighed, “but if you insist I don’t mind having some biryani” few more very rural North Indian abuses crossed my mind. I ordered it for her.

She excused herself and went to the restroom, I immediately checked her wallet too, just in case you see. It had some money and couple of credit cards and few other things without which life is easily possible, but it was a girl’s wallet I was checking, so no surprises there.

“aren’t you going to have some biryani’? she asked.

“No, I never eat biryani, I am not a great fan of rice” I replied in absolute fear and disgust.

I saw her eat the biryani and realised that she hardly looked at me while eating it, her head was constantly down, looking at the plate, she seemed to be loving the biryani and the movement of her hand to her mouth from the plate. I watched the great lady thrust the food down her throat in large voluptuous mouthful. At last she finished, at least I hoped so.

She spoke passionately about her love for martial arts, I contributed as even I had undergone formal martial arts training but I could not keep pace with her, she was a judo black belt and was narrating few incidents where she kicked the shit out of girls(obviously)and even guys(surprisingly) and in the flow she said “if my knee would have been alright, I swear Saood, I’d have given you a good fight and even defeated you”. Now this was insult to injury! of course fuckin of course, I thought, with the amount of food she eats and with the size of her forearm, she definitely can.Period.

“Coffee”? I asked

Yes she said, “an iced eskimo,strong one with extra ice, I cant compromise on my coffee you see.”

Meanwhile she said, “you know there’s one thing I thoroughly believe in” she said sipping the coffee.” One should always get up from a meal feeling one could eat a little more”

“are you still hungry” ?I asked in disbelief.

“Oh no, I am not hungry; you see I don’t eat lunch, I just have a cup of coffee in the morning and then dinner, but I never eat more than one thing for lunch. I was speaking for you.

WTF? Part 2!! , many rural North Indian abuses, few Hyderabadi abuses crossed my mind. Makkafite I thought. She was advising me to eat less! She? SHE?

“Hyderabad mein logon ko coffee banane ki tameez hi nahi hai, delhi mein toh ek dum bla bla bla bla bla”….. there she went again abusing and molesting Hyderabad.

Before she could tell me that she does not have more than one thing for lunch and order something else, I signalled the waiter for bill, the bill arrived and after I paid it I realised that I had only enough for an inadequate tip,her eyes rested on the 5 bucks i left for the waiter and I knew that she thought me mean. I walked out of the restaurant giving the waiter 5 rupees as tip in one of the most costliest eateries in the city, I walked out even before the waiter could come and collect the amount as I didn’t want to confront him when he’d see the high tip I had left for him.

I dropped her back to her hostel, “follow my example” she said, as we shook hands, “and never eat more than one thing for lunch"

“I’ll do better than that” I retorted in absolute disgust. “I’ll eat nothing for dinner tonight.

“haha, Funny” she said gaily, getting out of the car, “you’re quite funny”

I fled.

There are three things men can do with women: love them, suffer for them, or turn them into literature . I think I have done it all.

PS: Very recently i learnt that apart from leg pieces, she has a thing for hand pieces also. Evidence on demand. Yes pahel vani? ;) ;) tum ye tum vo.

The great Rajkumar once said, "ye maamuli gaadi nahi, ye ghair maamuli gaadi hai, maamuli gaadi maamuli logon ke liye hoti hai, hum ghair maamuli insaan hai, isliye hum ghair maamuli gaadi mein chalte hain"

The Dying Man

2009-02-23T23:45:00.000-08:00

Lathait: Where are we going?
Muthait: We are going out of our minds.

Every man dies. Not every man really lives. Men now are living, but rarely like a MAN. Man slowly but surely is dissolving into women. The attraction men have towards women is natural, but men have taken this attraction to another level. From the past few years the word ‘Man’ evokes very few ideas related to masculinity. Men now are so attracted to the fairer sex that the female, as an individual is recipient of lesser attraction but the traits that make her a female are getting oodles of attention. Man sadly is collapsing into women. He’s now a victim of the feminine traits which he’s quickly imbibing. He’s attracted towards himself. Dying man.

Until recently few manners and traits which need no mention were associated with only a man. Now, with the advent of the ultra cool man that is not the case anymore. The loud screams, abuses and the smell of sweat is now a rarity in the playgrounds. Boys are now hooked to perverse video games and other computer games which where invented to promote infertility in men. So far, so good. Football, cricket, basketball and other outdoor sports have been compressed into video games for the ultra cool and ultra busy rich kid who sweats only while jerking off on a hot summer day. Everything else he does is sweat free and cool. Counterstrike, BJP Strike, Need For Speed, Need For Viagra, A1, Max Payne are the keywords of the conversation among the young kids these days. Few sport loving guys indulge themselves in Pool, Snookers and other table games which are generally played in air conditioned rooms. Macho man.

One of the most feminine traits is gossiping and boys are now beating girls at it. They don’t mind chatting for hours and hours about how some girl or in most cases some guy was flirting with them or how some friend of theirs is straight fisted during certain activities etc.
Monkey man.

Another act of females which the ultra modern guy has adopted is waxing off their body hair. Many aged scientists went on mass waxing to study the benefits of waxing in men but failed. They waxed their hands, legs, chest and other parts which had only few strands of hair left. Their hair refused to grow though. Now, how does waxing help a guy with his looks? He’ll probably attract more attention by gays than girls. Another reason could be the statements made by failed actresses and few girls that they like their man waxed and manicured and pedicured and with everything that a woman has! What’s with your choice ladies? Boys now flaunt their waxed bodies wherever possible, especially swimming pools. The speed with which a man is copying the habits of women, very soon they’ll be spotted wearing bikinis and sun bathing near pools gossiping about their boyfriends, yes boyfriends! Men wearing thongs and pole dancing are going to be a reality very soon.
Nowadays guys are not happy with the number of holes they have in their bodies. Hence the ear piercing, eyebrow piercing, nose piercing, lip piercing, navel piercing, cock piercing is now a rage with the ultra posh launda’s. Chikna man.

Riding gearless vehicles is another disgraceful act guys commit. Girls’ riding gearless bikes seems normal, but guys’ riding them more than girls is a shameful fact. Guys are riding on the wrong thing (no pun intended).

Many modern day cool dudes don’t know how an aalu ka paratha or lassi tastes like. They find it so un-cool. They only have ameer logon ka khaana like pizza’s, lasagna’s, French fries, German fries, lauda fries, Beer, mineral water, cola etc. These are the guys whom we find in the advertisements of Telebrands and all the health clinics who guarantee weight loss in hours. The caption they carry under one of their photograph’s is ‘BEFORE’ and under another photograph ‘AFTER”. Motu man.
The all pampered, fair skinned boys wear woollen clothes even before the arrival of winter. ‘kahin thandd na lag jaaye beta’ says their mommies and the guys happily oblige. They visit doctors to get their common cold cured. Where the fuck is the famous man’s strength in them? Many guys actually look, as some fair skinned rich girl would put it, sooooo cute and choooo chweeet with their red noses. Guys, guys are not supposed to look cute! Paynd de chane’s.

Long hair, bandanas and multi colored under wear was once associated with females. But now guys have longer hair than many girls and flaunt infinite colored undies under their ever falling very low waist waste jeans. These chutiya’s have started having red wine ala girls. Wearing lingerie is next.

Due to the many mild and girly habits adapted by the cool dude, there has been a change in emotions of guys also. Guys nowadays don’t get angry anymore, they get pissed off. The ‘once upon a time ‘fury has collapsed into emotions as base as ‘let it go’, ‘it’s ok’, ‘shit happens’ etc. Anger management is the curse of Art of Living and some long bearded, Osama bin laden look a like dead man named Osho and other self help books written by cock sucking writers. Anger in men has dissolved into girly emotions like mood swings, in swing and out swing. Aggression is now calculated and manipulated by guys, spontaneity of the quintessential ‘man’s’ aggression is vanishing.

Men are becoming emotionally weak with every passing generation. The aajkal ke boys are emotionally dependent on someone else. They want their emotions to be recognized and acknowledged and pampered, and if it is done by a female then toh waah ji waah! The men of previous generations kept their emotions to themselves; they never sought dependence or a shoulder to cry their heart out. The immense control of their emotions made them emotionally stronger. But now, men are constantly seeking consolation from someone or anyone available! They need their agony uncles and agony aunts to lend them a shoulder to cry on. Sadly, they are receiving their consolation and due to that their emotions are taking too long to subside. They shed millions of tears if something as unimportant as a break up occurs between them and a girl. Few tend to slit their wrists, and look out for other ways to kill themselves. Even the techniques of suicide are being copied by men from women. Imagine what a waste of life suicide is, committed for the loss of a relationship! Maybe suicide is a man’s way of telling God, "You can't fire me - I quit." UnShaktiman!
Be a man, mard ban. Aamir khan rightly said in DCH.
The manliness of a man is soon going to be a thing of the past. With the departure of our grandfathers, this virtue has also departed. Whatever amount of Man is left in a man is on the verge of extinction. The ultra cool dude has done enough girly things to himself; I feel the bodies of these cool, chikna and sophisticated dudes are producing estrogens instead of testosterone. Nobody can do anything to instill some masculinity in these guys, they are soon going to beat women in being women, not having periods is the only male thing left in these guys, and I think these fellows are dying to have them also!

Guys, what was ever wrong in being a man? The manners of a true man have never been glued to us solidly – we always loose them in an emergency, and that’s when we need them the most. Let’s be totally ugly and deplorable. Let women be beautiful. Let’s not pamper ourselves. Let’s not be emotionally dependent. Let's not pity ourselves. Let’s feel like we don’t deserve love. Let’s walk away quietly into empty spaces, trying to close the gaps to the past. Let’s be ugly. Let’s be Gods!

The great Amitabh Bachchan once said, “Mard ko kabhi dard nahi hota” an unknown Indian replied, “taango ke beech mein zorr se maaro, dard nahi toh mard nahi”.

If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style.

2009-02-07T09:41:00.000-08:00

The results of all competitive exams for entrance into MBA are out and while checking the result of CAT the website showed me a middle finger instead of my result! Anyway, last week i got a call from Christ University, Bangalore, for attending their selection process. I was shortlisted based on my MAT score which was good enough(at least i say this to myself). Two of my school time friends; Gaurav,the mixture eater and Rohit, cheerleader of laung(cloves) also got a call from the same university and we were trying to act composed and relaxed, each of us knew what would welcome us in Bangalore and eventually we were right. However, we got ready to leave for Bangalore, reservations were made for 1st Feb which meant that i would be missing the second half of the Australian open final. My friends kept messaging me the status of the match and my journey started in a depressing state as Roger Federer had lost the match to that labourer Nadal and wept. Train started, mixture eater started eating mixture, Rohit started abusing the girls for not looking at him. The stand out abuse of his is B*** ki l***i, which he says with immense amount of passion. An old man was sitting opposite to us discussing the flaws in our modern day society. He was travelling alone and he was boasting about it coz he claimed he was 92 yrs old and still had seasonal erections. He supported the assault on girls in Mangalore. Nobody disagreed with him because he had only one tooth left. Sometimes, old age helps. We reached Bangalore the next morning and on the same evening we had a presentation to make. The post colonial auto drivers in Bangalore speak better English than Englishmen. We asked an auto driver to take us to Benson town, he said, "60 bucks", Wtf? bucks? i thought! We said its too much and asked for some discount as we were students. He swore in German and said, "i understand, hop on"
He kept speaking in fluent English until we realised he was better than us and we shut up.
Post colonial shame.

Christ University was huge, beautiful and crowded with boys and girls wearing suits who had also come for attending the selection process. Everyone was better looking than us and that's why nobody was looking at us. By looking at the crowd we were sure of our failure but we held the nerves of our balls and entered. It was time to make presentations. Rohit was called on to the dais and he was given a topic to speak. As soon as he got on to the dais, for some reason he looked at me, i laughed, drawing the moderator's attention, he spoke few words quickly and said thank you! His presentation got over even before it began. It was my turn, the topic given to me was fairly easy compared to Rohit's. I spoke, spoke and spoke. Everyone thought i did well. Rohit appreciated my effort and abused few girls wearing high heels with his standard word'.B*** ki L***i ke heels dekh'. After everyone was done we were told that results would be out at 10pm on their website. We came back to our rooms and started anticipating the results and all this while mixture was heavily being consumed by Gaurav. Gaurav doesn't greet people with a 'hi' or 'hello', he starts a conversation with an intellectual line, "kya rey gaandu". Even strangers are greeted in the same way! He has a fetish for mixture and other relatives of mixture like choora, kooda,paapar(paapad) and other flatulence causing snacks. I and Rohit had dinner, mixture eater had mixture and it was 10pm.
We started walking towards a nearby cyber cafe. The pedestrians on the streets were looking at us as if we were cow slaughterer's at large. Rohit, who abuses half the things around him said, "in bhenchodon ko pata nahi hai kitni important walk hai ye hamare liye". I agreed, it was certainly an important walk. We reached the cafe, opened the website which took an eternity to open. I typed my id number and password and instantly experienced deja vu. Here the middle finger was shown in a subtle, sophisticated and apologetic way. Rohit and the mixture eater met with the same fate.
Both of them were cool with it or at least pretended to be cool but i almost cried with fury. I did well i thought, i cant get rejected. I couldn't come to terms with my failure. I informed a friend about my failure and just when i was about to break down in the shower i got a reply from him, his message read like this, " Hey c'mon this one was the first one man..Don't lose your superiority feel". He addressed the right emotion. Superiority feeling is what keeps me going. I didn't cry. I hit my chest several times, no I'm not a shitte or shia Muslim or Tarzan, i do it to boost myself up and it works for me. Papillon effect that is!
Mixture eater was eating mixture in the room.

The aftermath of rejection hit our intelligence big time. Three of us started discussing nonsense. We tried to act cool. We discussed why one should not drink water immediately after eating...HCl ki maa chud jaati hai, said Rohit, mixture eater was eating mixture. We discussed why dogs bark at the stroke of midnight, we discussed why mixture eater farts a lot(the answer was in our question), we discussed about why people die after committing suicide. We had vegetarian pulao in a Punjabi restaurant. You can see what failure did to us. In the three days of our stay in Bangalore mixture eater finished 19 kgs of mixture! Mixture eater is constantly in a state of intense euphoria irrespective of situation, reason not known to mankind or any other wrestler.

The return journey was fun. Few menopausal women gave second looks to Rohit. He didn't complain. Mixture eater was again eating mixture. The train stopped at a bridge for a while and there was traffic moving underneath it. Frustrated that we were, Rohit opened the tap of the loo and the water started falling on people on the road who obviously thought that they were bathing in piss. They started looking up in anger and they saw me standing at the door doing the "masakkali masakkali" step, the folded hands and thumkkaa's wala step. It added to their fury but they were helpless and we were in splits. Mixture eater was the happiest of us all.

The only good thing that i brought with me from Bangalore is the 1993's Booker Winner 'Paddy Clarke Ha Ha Ha' by Roddy Doyle. I now have 25 Booker winning books in my collection. Any competition?

'The deepest human defeat suffered by human beings is constituted by the difference between what one was capable of becoming and what one has in fact become". One auto driver in Bangalore said this to me. I feel the auto drivers from Bangalore should be made visiting faculty for MIT.

The great Jeeva once said, "sawaal ye nahi ki tumhara presentation achha 'huye' ya gandda 'huye'...sawaal ye hai ki tum reject kyun 'huye'.

Paynchod

2009-01-25T10:31:00.000-08:00

In soviet Delhi, cow shit smells you.

Salman Rushdie on Delhi.

After my visit to Delhi i couldn't agree more.

Delhi is the world's largest "reproduction" party. It produces about 87% of the country's population, out of which 67% are born with the word 'payncho' on their lips. Located near the pubic region of Jammu and Kashmir, Delhi is a perpetual paradise of over 20 million drunken sods who stay in the region and make merry all year round.

Delhi was once the largest importer of huge ugly bearded Afghans, small Mongolians and jobless Persians who visited Delhi just to check out the chicks but ended up ruling it for centuries together. We always had our legs stretched for those foreigners to get into us! Sad that there were no Blue line buses back then, which are actually weapons of mass destruction on the loose in Delhi these days.

The city of Delhi, which is also pronounced as 'Dilli' by the modern day mughal heirs was until recently ruled by the Bharatiya Janata Party (BJP), which is as all-embracing, secular and liberal as the Republican party in the United states of America. Deli is ruled by Chief Minister Sheila Dickshit, whose name is funny and is often the source of many puerile jokes. Delhi is also known for its many real firang babes and more for babes who full2 try to become "firang" by speaking Engliss in amaarican accent and display huge Indian cleavages. They hate it when their biological or step-mom shout their nick names which are generally 'dolly', 'dimpi' or 'rimpi' or 'horny,' in a public place. They find it just so un-cool and Indian.

Delhi residents, contemptuously called Dilliwalas by non-Dilliwallas, are known for their loose eye-sockets...'cos their eyes pop out of their sockets when in the vicinity of good cleavages and roll down the narrow path. Dilliwalas are also known as the ultimate examples of healthy grown up Indian males. The healthy grown up Indian male is a thing to be feared by all of Delhi's females, except the very healthy and very grown up females among them who terrorize healthy, grown up Delhi males in a reverse phenomena by poking their balls with sharp hairpins and repeating ninja kicks to their face - performed usually in DTC buses in full public glare to instill fear. Delhi is densely inhabited by Bihari's, Pahaadi's, Kashmiri's, Bengali's, Tamilians, Kannad's, Punjabi's, Haryanvi's and people from remaining states of India, who call themselves 'Dilliwaala's' as soon as they land in Delhi. For some reason, the people of chutiya states find association with Delhi very cool. Many aunties from U.P. and Bihar take pride in telling their neighbours "hamaara beta toh Delhi mein jaab(job) kar raha hai", "hamaari beti ka rishta Delhi mein tayy hua hai", "mere 'vo' aajkal Delhi mein hain actually"

India has about 50,000 different languages, but the people of Delhi speak the only officially recognized language in India — Indianese. It is a sort of Indo-Euro-Persian concoction with a lot of words containing the alphabets "b", "h", "e", "n" "c" "h" "o" "d"and "*". The main way of addressing people is with the greeting "BhenChod", which, coincidentally, is also the most-frequently-used word in Delhi. It's considered rude if you do not start a conversation with "payncho" and end it with one besides repeating it several times in every sentence. A normal conversation about something as inoccuous as Delhi's yogurt would go like this: "Bhen chod ye dahi hai ki rubber ki chappal -- Bhen Chod mood kharab kar diya in bhen chodon ne. payncho. Payncho is what some stupid Indian wrote who has never been to India . What a bhen chod! The dialect of these proud north-indians is elongated or dragged. For example, friendship is pronounced as 'fraandship', Bread is pronounced as 'braad' and so on. 'Angrejji ki maa chod di' as some Haryanvi jatt would put it.
Delhi is also the seat of the Prime Minister and the President of India. They usually meet at traffic signals, discuss each other's menopauses, sign few documents, joke about Musharraf and fall asleep coz the traffic jams in Delhi last for a lifetime.
Paynchod.

The auto waala's of Delhi are more strong headed than Himesh Reshammiya. They accept only blank cheques as their fare from the people who are new to Delhi(they somehow understand it, maybe by noticing the absence of 'payncho' in their speech). You don't tell them where you have to go, you plead them,offer them ridiculously high prices and sometimes only a blow job will make them oblige. Many auto waalaa's get to enjoy the 'harkats' happening backseat between a couple by looking in the rearview mirror(paynchod objects in the mirror are closer than they appear paynchod). There is hardly any place in Delhi which you can label as 'private'. Hence the poor desperate couples have no other option but to make out in auto's under the strong surveillance of the auto waalla who accepts money with a smirk on his face indicating that he has seen everything that was happening during the ride. Paynchod.

Delhi has been growing faster than the speed of light since creation (light hasn't reached the boundaries of the National Capital Region (NCR), yet !!), while India has been shrinking. Delhi, economists estimate (specially that guy, the turban topped Montek Singh Ahluwalia), may soon overgrow into a monstrous and ugly food mart, fed on radioactive waste, and outgrow a fast shrinking India. If such an event occurs, India will collapse into Delhi.
I once happened to visit Palika Bazar(the name sounds like the name of a red light area, but no.). Palika Bazar is mostly visited by aged men who go there to get a glimpse of the 'mohalley ki laundiyaan' .Here one can find everything without which life can be easily lead. One major attraction for the Delhi ke 'laundey's' is the cheap availability of - desi porn, soft porn, hard core porn, south indian porn, swedish porn,korean porn, animated porn and videos of every day of Paris Hilton's life (age 15 onwards.) etc etc etc.
Paynchod.

Delhi Leaders.

Delhi has found some of the most able men and women in history to lead its janta on the path to progress on various fronts. Not all are remembered here but some notable ones who left a deep scar on the psyches of Dilliwalas by the sheer stupidity of their actions are mentioned hereunder.
Sheila Dick shit
Raveena Tandon
Orhan Pamuk
A.K. Hangal
Pamela Anderson
Sushma Swaraj
Spiderman
Shaktiman
Wayne Rooney
Butter Chicken
Sarson da saag
Santa Singh
Ajay Singh Rathod
Aslam Bhai
Oscar Wilde
And Finally the refugees of Bihar and Uttar Pradesh.
Paynchod.

Delhi Climate.
If you don't know to count 0 to 48, don't worry. The range of temperature will teach you the numbers. The acceleration and deceleration of the temperature can be breathtaking. It takes only 4 months for the temperature to change from 0 to 48 and vice versa. In the past decade, more than 10000 school kids (boys) have fainted during the afternoon assembly all across Delhi due to the heat. Few believe, it was because the boys went on mass masturbation after watching the famous DPS MMS clip. Girls, however, have learnt to survive the Delhi summer by sucking on some rich kid's cock in their centrally air conditioned house.
Paynchod.

The great Mirza Ghalib once said "bhenchod sutta...sutta na milaa"

Paynchod.

Poor man's Brokeback Mountain

2009-01-05T21:24:00.001-08:00

Sir Abhiram kissed Sir Sanjeev's dick. Yes, that's true and he did it in a public place and he did it without much convincing. He just wanted 100 bucks after he did that, which he didn't get. The witnesses of this lovely act were Major Dushyant, the bandchod guy, Srikant Rawat, not a guy, and me. Ramadoss banned smoking in public places, he didn't think of other things one can do in public places. So, the protagonists of this story, Abhiram Naluvala and Sanjeev Garimella(their surnames rhyme) and so does everything in their lives. Both are pursuing engineering, both are not struggling. Sir Abhiram is very horny, Sir Sanjeev is very ambitious. Both have planned to go to USA, earn billions and fuck Irish Prostitutes. The most spectacular part of them are the conversations they have, when two great ideologies clash and after a certain period of time, compliment. In a group, they actively participate in every conversation, which is generally in English, but as the conversation goes on and on...i and srikant suddenly hear some telugu, quickly spoken, and later realize that we have been left behind in the conversation. Both our heroes have gone very far in their discussion and they didn't care to inform us! The key words of their conversations are 'enduku atla?'(y so?), 'nee modda'(ur cock), Uk(united kingdom), USA, Gre score, 970, 1360, few laughs, Ruggers university, anttha scene ledu, Toefl score, maa college lo oka senior(one senior in my college), maa college lo oka pori(one girl in my college), lanjeodku(bad word) maa HOD(head of department), Champestha(i'll kill him), and 2000 rupees lo mast untaddi.( there's a sexy pros for only 2000 bucks). After talking for one hour they realize that they are not alone and get back to us unapologetically. After we're entertained, enlightened, and on the ground, laughing.
Sir Abhiram has nipples smaller than a 25 Np coin. Sir Sanjeev claims to have the best skin. After seeing them now it is hard to believe that they once got physical on a mountain top and Sir Sanjeev threatened to throw Sir Abhiram of the mountain. The fault was Sir Abhiram's. He was taking photo's of Sir Sanjeev without his consent. I, the only witness to that incident stopped the fight and suggested Sir Abhiram to stop acting like poor man's paparazzi and Sir Sanjeev to stop behaving like poor man's Brad Pitt. Both have received Knighthood. Sir Abhiram received it from the UNBO(united nations broker's association) and Sir Sanjeev received it from all the HOD's of his college.
Amsterdam, the booker prize winning book by Ian McEwan is loosely based on Sir Abhiram's and Sir Sanjeev's lives.

PS: I wrote this on popular demand, no personal intention.

The great Saood kidwai once said " udhar ka maal idhar, idhar ka maal Aur idhar"

How sad it is, how sad

2008-12-29T22:06:00.000-08:00

Certain habits or interests discriminate others from us and us from others. One such interest is Rock Music, which divides the 'yo yo' people from the 'Un yo yo'!
Rock music according to me is a great way of escaping good music, this is again my opinion and people with difference of opinion can check their premises and try remembering what their names are. Names? why names you might think but i feel there's a huge impact of a person's name on his/her habits, and an inclination towards Rock music has definitely something to do with a person's name. For example, the names of Rock lovers vary from suzanne's to sanjana's and aditya's to vivian's and in some cases farhan's. The major part of society is filled with srinu's and raju's and masood's, who appreciate music but only of Pavan kalyan's or salman khan's movies. The raju's and srinu's are usually busy teasing girls near bus stop's and the masood's are probably looking to build their bodies or looking for buildings to blow up. So this is how names effect interests. Anyway, lets not lose focus away from Rock music. There are genuine lovers and connoisseurs of Rock music in India but they are very few. The rest are you and i. Few of us like Rock music, fewer understand what those Americans sing and most of us pretend to understand it and lip sing along with the song. The funny part is that many people(especially yo yo gals) lip sing a song from kuch kuch hota hai when some band called Rolling stones is singing '

Everywhere I hear the sound of marching, charging feet, oh boy

Cause summer's here, and the time is right for fighting in the street, oh boy

But what can a poor boy do

Except to sing for a rock n' roll band

'Cause in sleepy London town

There's just no place for a street fighting man.

Now, what the fuck does this mean? these lines when read are very simple when those hippies sing it sounds like the sound of Yamaha Rx-100 driven in first gear for one minute, in second gear for another five minutes.

This kind of music started when the whites started doing drugs and started shouting their nick names, which became a rage, especially among the 'cool' Indian 'yo yo youth'.

The trouble doesn't end here. There are many genres of Rock Music, one such being hard Rock. It's got earthquaking rhythm, noisy guitar and vocals. The lyrics are about violence, sex, satanism, drinking vast quantities of alcohol and getting stoned. Some Led Zeppelin is considered the God of all this nonsensical 'dhinchik dhinchik'.

Soft Rock is not considered as Rock by many because we might understand the lyrics. Some don't consider it as music, because Rock is all about growing your hair and letting it down!

Other evils in music are Heavy metal and Death Metal about which i have head aching memories. The names themselves suggest that they are dangerous for health and it may also be fatal to the newly born or the dying ones. If we have to make an effort to understand the lyrics of such songs by listening to them again and again by rewinding and placing our ears close to the music system, its not entertainment. Making a desperate effort to understand can never be called entertainment. I'm sure no non-english person can understand the complete lyrics of a song which is of heavy metal genre in one time. But, the 'yo yo people' who shit the same stuff as other 'un yo yo' people pretend guiltily that 'they do'

Some other famous music stars in the West are known to abuse their wives, children, their whole lineage in their songs. Aren't they happy that they are music stars? Maybe they took up music to punish themselves and take revenge from their families but all this struggle of their life is a way of life for many of us. Most of the music icons are less known for their albums, they are more in news because of their polygamist habits, divorces, illegitimate children and midnight brawls. Their more entertaining indulgences are nip slips, up skirts and public display of homosexuality, their public forums are less visited by music lovers but vastly visited by the un yo yo people like you and me to have a glimpse of Britney spears' private parts and Maria sharapova's up skirts(yea, sometimes even sharapova is seen with her skirts up in music websites) good for us, no? So all this gives us all the more reason to follow Western music. It has its own advantages also u know! wink wink.

However, as we are witnessing of late, the future of western music stars is in crisis and it is in India. The most recent example of this was given by their own Snoop Dog(actually looks like a bull dog) who featured in a song from our own 'Singh is King" where he is seen to be wearing a turban, looking clueless and making quick vulgar hand gestures towards the end of the song.

Mariah carey is soon going to dance with kareena kapoor, shakira keeps visiting us for money and said that she would someday love to be a part of a Hindi movie and would like to play herself in that movie but our Bollywood fellows will not oblige. They would probably make her the lead heroines friend and get her raped by the lead villain, yes you guessed it right, His Highness, The Shakti kapoor.

The irony is that even the ardent lovers of Rock music, have more Hindi songs by heart than English songs. They would any day sing "Meri laundry ka ek bill" without any mistake than some obscure English songs whose lyrics go some what like this ...

Hey, hey, mama, said the way you move aaanhaan aaanhaan...
Gonna make you sweat,shit, gonna lovedale and fantasy make you groove
Ah, ah, child, way you shake that thing like Gabriel Garcia Marquez and get Rushdie on the floor.
Gonna make you burn and show all the Tolstoys, gonna make you sting with the chacha of the chaudhary
Hey, hey, baby, when you walk that way like Ayn rand
Watch your honey drip, can't keep away from the yo yo Indians.

I once asked a friend of mine his favourite English song and he, the original guy he is, sang...."Do u wanna partner, O partner love me love me say"
Got the message, all you posers?

After listening to a famous English song the Great Manmohan singh once said .. " I'm the real Singh shady"